


Issues

by hurricanetortlla



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alcohol Withdrawal, Bisexuality, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Multi, Sexuality, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, girl friendships, minor sizzy, shadowhunter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-30 06:58:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15091493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hurricanetortlla/pseuds/hurricanetortlla
Summary: Marina has faced a lot of problems. Death, destruction, heartache. She's always relied on her family. Once her problems with herself get worse, she feels more alone than she ever has. As she fights to feel normal again, she even starts to let more people in. Something she thought she'd never be able to do.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is also on my Wattpad (@hurricanetortlla), so you can check out the cast and playlist there as well!

Raphael Santiago.

Jordan Kyle.

Max Lightwood.

The names of the dead echo in my mind all the time. Three people who I knew. 

A friend.

A fling.

And my little brother.

I could fight for them, but I couldn't save them.

A voice interrupted the names this time. "Marina!"

The voice reminded me of where I am.

I'm standing in my room at the Institute, my siblings standing beside me. In fact, it was my twin sister who snapped me out of my trance.

They were helping me get everything ready to move out. I stayed away from my mother and my adoptive brother, Jace, so I was unable to say goodbye to them.

I've lived here my whole life. I never quite liked it here, but the three of them made it much better. After what happened, though, I couldn't bear being inside knowing it's where I'm supposed to call home. They still kept me going through the months, but I knew I had to leave.

"I want to look around this place before I leave," I looked at my brother and sister, Alec and Isabelle. "Walk with me?"

"Sure," Alec and Isabelle both said after each other, to my relief. The walk wouldn't be anything if they weren't with me.

"Thanks," I took one hand from each of them and walked out of the room. Alec usually moves his hand away from mine when I do this, but he didn't this time. "You know, as much as this place creeps me out, I think I'm gonna miss it."

Alec shrugged. He'd been pseudo moved out for a short while now, so he might have some advice. Maybe he felt the same. I never thought about how he might miss it. "It catches up to you."

"I'll miss the memories," I smiled, though there was a hint of sadness to it. "I didn't know this was going to be so bittersweet."

"I think that's what happens when you move out," Isabelle's attitude was a lot softer today. Both of theirs have been. "I'd probably tough it out, though."

Of course, Isabelle had to make it clear that she'd make it through. Although she's the same age me, she's the strongest person I know. I'd never doubt that she'd be able to get through this much easier than me. 

"This might be what I need. I can't stay here after- everything," I didn't want to think of the events that occurred a while ago, but they are the reason why I'd want to leave. "I need something new."

Even before I made the decision to move, I would always find myself leaving. Getting out of here. The memories would hang over me, never leaving my mind. The anxious feeling, the voices, how restless this all made me. I figured leaving might make it all go away. Somehow I still doubt that. 

"You told us," my brother didn't say this in a mean-spirited tone, despite the words he said. He was being a lot nicer today, too. "You don't have to explain."

I held their hands as we walked into the library, and I led them to one of the farthest bookshelves. "The three of us used to hang out here," I tilted my head, stopping to tap my foot on the floor like I was trying to make sure it's the same as it was years ago. "We'd lay down here, looking at the ceiling, talking about everything that was going down in our younger lives. Since it was the farthest, no one would really hear us."

"We remember, Mari," Izzy looked down at the floor like she was having the same thought as me. "We were there."

"You'd always comfort me if I was having one of my moments," the sad smile returned to my face. "We used to make up a language. You only did it because how ridiculous it was would distract me from my sadness. You remember that, too?"

"Zup," Alec said our childhood version of 'yes'. I'm surprised he remembered, and even more surprised that he actually said it out loud. "You're right, it was super ridiculous. And embarrassing."

"It was adorable," I sniffled, feeling a horrid cry coming on. "I stand by it. I made up your nickname while we were speaking in the language."

"And that was even more embarrassing because it stuck with you," he shook his head. "I regret it all."

"Comton," this was our way of saying 'come on'. By the look on both of their faces, they definitely remember it. "It's not that bad."

"What were we thinking when we decided to make this up?" Isabelle sounded like she scolding our childhood selves.

"It's what siblings do," I wiped my face, noticing the tears. We left the library, so our next stop was the music room. "We make up fake languages so we can talk about anything and judge people in peace."

"That doesn't make it any less embarrassing," Isabelle remarked as we walked into the room. "We're not supposed to be like that."

Shadowhunters, always acting like they can't have soft spots.

I can't necessarily judge that, I have moments where I act like that as well.

"We were kids. Kids don't have a specific expectation," I tried to ignore the fact that I'm crying like an idiot. "I know it's not like we're never going to see each other again, but it's hard to say goodbye to this. Like it's the end of an era or something."

"Marina," Isabelle looked at me like she just noticed I was crying. I felt her squeeze my hand. "We're going to see each other all the time."

"I know," I allowed Alec to pull me into a hug. "But, we'll never be children talking in a ridiculous fake language again. Alec and I are both going to be moved out and being all- adulty."

Admittedly, I'm a little bit ahead of Alec, considering I'm younger than him and I'm going to live on my own, he's at least sort-of living with his boyfriend.

"Moving on is the best option," Alec kept ahold of me. "You didn't seem happy with this place before."

Alec has always been a more timid person, but the past few months have changed him like they've changed all of us. Before September of last year, I would never dream of being an emotional person.

"I wasn't happy with this place, but I was happy with you guys," I attempted to stop the tears, but they kept coming. "You were what kept me going throughout the years. I always had the three of you to lean on."

"You still do," Isabelle corrected me, though she most likely knows what I mean already. "We're not going anywhere."

"Iz," I tried not to feel like the dumbest person in the world for being emotional in this situation. "I mean, everything seems so final."

"I know," maybe the reason they've been a lot more low today is that of my move. "But it isn't completely final. You're still going to have us. That's never changing."

That's never changing. Even when everything else changes, and it feels like things are so final, we'll always have each other.

I held onto Alec with one arm, using the other to gesture to Isabelle. "Get over here."

She looked reluctant but joined the hug anyway. "I wasn't expecting any waterworks."

"What better way?" I laughed through my tears. None of the others were crying, but I could tell they were feeling something from this. "I love you guys."

"We love you, too," they both said, one after the other.

When the three of us finally pulled away from each other, I succeeded in making the tears stop. At least momentarily. "One more thing before I go."

I sat down at the piano in the room, my two siblings sitting down on either side of me. I played a song that reminded me of this situation I'm in, a song that reminded me of them. The emotions started to come back, making me teary-eyed throughout the whole thing. After that, it was time to go.

We all walked back to my room, anything that was mine no longer all over the room. I didn't have much in it, except for clothes and jewelry. I do have a lot of clothes. All of the furniture was still in the room, making it seem less empty.

I gave my final goodbyes to my siblings, one last hug. I know I'll probably see them tomorrow, but it still felt like the appropriate thing to do. Then, I leave the room and the Institute. Clary was helping me get my stuff to my new apartment, so she was in the car with me. She, thankfully, didn't question my tears. 

Clary's slightly younger than me, so I wondered if she was planning on ever moving out on her own, or if she was going to move into the Institute. I owe her one, so if she does, I'll be there to help her. 

Since she has less reasoning, I'm assuming that move won't be for a while.

I didn't expect this to be as emotional as it was. I didn't think I'd cry. Just the thoughts and memories of everything that happened in the better parts of my childhood took over me. I have some pretty great siblings, and I'm never going to forget that.


	2. Chapter 2

"Are you ready?" Clary's voice was clear beside me.

The question struck me as odd. Why wouldn't I be ready to move the rest of my stuff in? What would I not be ready for?

Until I remembered that crying session. I definitely got it after that. That's most likely why she assumed I wouldn't be ready in the first place. 

I smiled over at her, seeing her smiling back at me. Nodding my head, I took a short breath. "I'm ready."

I turned my key in the lock, the fresh feeling of a new start in the air. The door unlocked with a click, so I opened it. 

As we walked through the threshold, Clary spoke up again, bags in hand. "That keychain you have is cute."

She was probably just trying to start up a conversation. I was grateful for her. I wouldn't have been able to move without her, and she's the one to prevent the awkward silences. 

I had many more reasons to be grateful for her, though. It was never just that. She's saved a lot of lives, including those of my family. 

I looked down at the key in my hand. It was on a pink heart-shaped puffball keychain, I don't even remember where I bought it. I was glad I had it. It somehow felt special, like it was a rare keychain to have. I know I've never seen it before.

I took a step forward, the royal blue duffel bag I put my toiletries in- along with other things, I wasn't very organized with my packing- starting to make my arm burn. I put it down for a second to stretch my arm, avoid the pain. "Thanks."

Clary smiled brightly, copying my movement. We had already taken everything else inside, so I don't really mind her putting the ones she has down right now. "It suits you."

I whipped my head over to look at her, my hair falling in my face. "Did you just call me cute, Clarissa?"

I said her full first name just to be dramatic. I was already being dramatic with the whole 'hair flip' thing, so why not go all out? 

"What?" her eyes widened. She wasn't uncomfortable, just taken aback. "No."

Laughter bubbled from within me as I picked the bag back up, preparing to take it to the bathroom. There was only a single bathroom in my one-bedroom apartment, so at least I don't have to split anything. I've never had to do that, and I'm happy not starting. "That's what it sounded like to me."

Clary appeared to be at a loss for words. "I-"

"I'm messing with you," I bumped my arm against hers. "Besides, I guess you're pretty cute, too."

I looked at her flustered face once more before finally walking off to the bathroom. 

The bathroom was small but somehow bigger than I'd expect from an apartment. Definitely not as big as my bathroom at the Institute, but it was enough. It looked pretty typical, blue tile floors, white porcelain fixtures, tile surrounding the sink. A shower without a curtain. It was nice.

I set the bag down on the floor, unzipping it and taking out its contents. I made sure to be quick so I wouldn't be in the quiet for too long, knowing what that might do to me. 

Stupid, you just reminded yourself.

This might be rougher than I thought. I still think it's gonna be good for me.

Maybe I still need a little bit more time. I know that no matter what, I need to be living away from the Institute. Visiting should be fine. I'll always need to see Alec and Isabelle, but living there is just impossible.

Hurriedly, I stand up and leave the bathroom, meeting Clary again. She was sitting on the floor in my living room, still looking a little bashful from our earlier conversation. Her sitting on the carpet reminded me of the lack of a couch in the house. This place is still underfurnished. I'll have to do something about that tomorrow. 

I sat down beside her, feeling the pale blue carpet under my fingers. "Hey."

"Hey," she cleared her throat, her green eyes examining my face. "Are you okay?"

I avoided her eyes. Somehow she managed to tell that I wasn't in the best state of mind a few minutes ago. "I'm fine."

"You don't have to tell me if something's wrong," she continued as if she didn't hear what I said. "I was just wondering. You looked a little down."

I waved my hand, dismissing her concern. "Don't worry about me."

"Okay," I saw something in the corner of my eye, her shoulders dropping. "If you ever need it though, I'm just saying-"

"Hey," I turned to face her, attempting to put on an encouraging face. I'd hate to worry her. "I'm not denying that I'm still- adjusting. I have a ways to go. But that's why I'm here," I smiled at her, slightly half-hearted, but mostly genuine. "And that's why you're here with me."

"Look," I took her hand like I was trying to comfort her. Ironic, since she was the one trying to comfort me. "If you're worried how I'll be on my first night here, you can stay with me."

She was definitely more relaxed after that.

Clary appeared to be curious. "Did you specifically want me here?"

"Maybe," I shrugged to make my answer more casual. "Is there something wrong with that?"

"No," she kept ahold of my hand. "I'm glad you did."

Thank the Angel. 

My lips formed a smile. "You're a good friend, Clary."

Clary beamed back at me. "You're pretty great yourself."

I was about to reply when my phone buzzed. I reluctantly let go of Clary's hand to check what it was. It was pretty comforting to hold her hand.

I unlocked my phone, seeing a message from Quinn, a good friend of mine. "Are you still up for celebration?"

I completely forgot I agreed to celebrate my move with her. I was so- preoccupied that it slipped my mind. 

Dammit, Marina.

"What's up?" Clary interrupted my panicked thoughts. 

"It's Quinn," I stared at my phone, currently unable to respond. "We were supposed to celebrate together."

"You can still go," she shrugged. "It sounds like fun."

"Are you sure?" I wouldn't want her to feel like I'm ditching her. 

"Go ahead," she encouraged. "I should probably tell my mom what I'm doing anyway."

I looked at her dubiously, one eyebrow raised. "You have to tell her what you're doing?"

Clary laughed. "I don't want her to think I died or anything."

I nodded, ignoring my slight discomfort. "Good point," I stood up, phone still in hand. I need to think of a reply. "We can meet back here. That sleepover is still on."

She seemed relieved to hear that. "Sounds like a plan."

We said our goodbyes, both of us awkwardly leaving at the same time. I watched as she used a portal as her way of transportation, looking back at my phone to reply to Quinn's message.


	3. Chapter 3

I missed Quinn. We haven't hung out much these past few months, but I have been keeping in touch with her. Quinn is a good friend, so I'd be glad to hang out with her. Though I still feel crappy for forgetting about our plans.

"Marina," a sing-song voice interrupted my thoughts. "Snap out of it."

I flinched but relaxed after a second. "I'm out, I'm out," I looked over at Quinn. "Sorry about that."

The two of us are sitting in a coffee shop near Quinn's apartment. We figured it would be best for us to do something more low-key instead of doing something adventurous. It's still the afternoon, so it's not like we were planning on clubbing or anything. At least that's what she told me when I suggested it. Part of me was bummed because I could use a drink. I need to drink soon.

"What do you think so hard about?" she appeared to be a mix of intrigued and amused. "Like, what causes you to zone out like that?"

"I have a lot of things to think about," I shrugged, avoiding a real answer. "My life has been an eventful one."

Quinn laughed. "That's obvious. Yours is the most eventful life I've ever seen."

"The bright side is that my life isn't boring, I guess?" it may not be boring, but at this point, I believe that boring is actually better.

"That's true," she stirred her coffee with a thoughtful expression. "Boring is, well, boring."

"Very insightful information, Quinn. Inspirational, even," I teased. "I know you've never known boring, Miss College."

"College can be boring," she remarked. I can't imagine a school that isn't boring. "I'm in it for the writing. And the feeling that I can do it even with my situation."

I immediately understood that her 'situation' was referring to her lycanthropy. "Hey, Quinn Davis can do anything she wants."

Quinn smiled and held up one of her hands. "That's right."

"That's the spirit." I laughed and clapped my hand against hers.

Quinn shook her hand in the air for a second. "Whoa, your hand is freezing. Maybe you should put your cup down," she looked at me in a way that almost appeared to be concerned. "You do know that's an option?"

I was reminded of the cup of iced coffee in my hands. I was holding it in both of them this whole time until Quinn wanted a high-five. I looked at it for a second, confused. "Yes, I'm aware of this," I put the cup down, moving the sleeves of my denim jacket over my hands. "I forgot that I was holding it."

"How do you do that?" she was perplexed. "Man, you are so out of it."

"It's not my fault I have a lot of things to think about and occasionally forget what I'm doing, or holding, for that matter," I joked, but I was avoiding the true nature of my actions. "I was zoned out just a moment ago if you remember."

"I remember," she gave me a supportive look that matched her overall tone. "Is something going on?"

I shook my head. "You shouldn't worry about me."

I basically repeated what I said to Clary earlier. People constantly asking me if I'm okay has become frustrating, but I haven't gotten totally tired yet.

Quinn sighed. She wasn't upset with me, but she was obviously uneasy. This was almost identical to my conversation with Clary. Or my conversations with anyone, really. "I'll try not to."

"Thanks, Quinn," I smiled at her. Though I don't plan on telling her anything due to the fear of worrying her, it's still nice to hear. "But, I'm fine."

"If you say so," she went back to her usual positive disposition. It was slightly off and had a hint of her previous concerned attitude, but it wasn't her overall anymore. "Anyways, it's great to hang out again."

My problem isn't that bad anyway. Nothing wrong with me is detrimental. I'm just being ridiculous.

"It is," I allowed my mood to change, grateful I could snap myself out of a trance before it got too bad. "We should do this more often."

"We'll be able to do this much more often once I finish school," Quinn said. "It's time-consuming."

"But worth it, I assume," I encouraged her. Being in school sounds rough, but still fulfilling. It's still odd to know that I'll never be able to have that experience, even if I wanted to. "I've been busy, too, so it's not entirely your fault."

"I suppose, you did just move," Quinn understood. "How are you liking the new apartment?"

"It's nice," I shrugged. "I don't have any furniture yet, but I'm not totally bored."

I probably would be a lot more jaded if Clary wasn't with me.

Quinn nodded, an awkward silence ahead. There wasn't much to say after that.

"I'm sure you're nailing school, boredom and all," I broke the silence and finally took a sip of my coffee, remembering that it was there again and not wanting to waste it. "College is no match for Quinn Edwards."

Quinn grinned triumphantly. "College never stood a chance."

"Neither did journalism," I added. "You're the hero they both needed."

"Journalism is a mess that needs to be cleaned up," she agreed. I don't pay much attention to journalism, but since she does, she has to be right. "And I'll be the cleaner."

"Are you planning on actually making a career out of it? Or are you even allowed to do that?" I know the limitations the Shadow World imposes on Shadowhunters, and I thought I knew the same for Downworlders, but since Quinn is in college and I didn't know that was allowed, I guess not.

"I don't think so," she said, unfortunately. "I know I can't be a big-time journalist. But, maybe I'll be able to write small pieces on the Internet or something."

"There you go," I chirped enthusiastically. "Get around the law."

Quinn snickered and held out her coffee cup. "To loopholes."

I gently tapped my coffee cup against hers, finishing our toast. "To loopholes!"

"May we never accidentally rewrite the law so we can continue to find them," Quinn said, sending both of us into a fit of laughs. Mine were more routine, or just following what Quinn was doing. "Or so we don't have to find new ones."

Loopholes have been a big part of my life, especially when it comes to my interest in being a musician. "Amen."

Being with Quinn was a lighthearted change to the usual. She hangs out with our group less often than the rest, so nothing was brought up again. It makes me remember how grateful I am that I made the bitter decision of going to Hunter's Moon where I met her a few months ago. After- everything between us, it's nice to know I can still keep a friendship with her.

I think we've achieved our goal of normal friendship. It's been months since what happened, so we had plenty of time to get past it. Plus no one knew about us anyway, so it was easy to be normal.

Right. No one knew. No one at all. No one knows that big part of who I am except for Quinn, and I didn't have to tell her. 

No one knew. I've been too much of a coward to tell anybody.

Once Quinn and I departed, I made a couple of stops before going back to the apartment. On my way back, I texted Clary to make sure she was still up for the sleepover. I was happy to know that she was.


End file.
